Eclectic Waters

You know me, your gift of mercy and gentleness that you extend freely to others but rarely to yourself. Well, I’ve been watching all the thoughts inside your head today. Yes, I know, many of them have involved **#(@()@ words and that you have been exceedingly angry. I saw you think about Pam, your counselor in the summer of 03, and her description of anger:

Distress + Blame (blaming another person, thing or God) = ANGER

and its true, and while much of your anger is justified it is not your anger I want to talk to you about.

Deanne, what I really want to tell you is that I am very proud of you and that you are doing so well. Even though you may feel like your anger is crippling and that the pain is too much, you are not stuffing it like you used to, and while you may wish for those days of numbness, you are alive! You hugged your sister and called your parents, crying freely to the sound of their voices. Good Job! Seriously! It takes courage to admit the things you did and to be still in the puddle of emotion that seems never ending.

I saw all the blogs you wrote in your head about anger, using swear words, and describing in detail exactly why you felt angry and betrayed, but you were able to speak those words to people and now there is room for me. Thank you. I, like you, enjoy blogging Thanks for saving me a post.
I also wanted to remind you to be kind to yourself; know that God is still unfathomably in love with you, holding your hand and caressing your face and back as you weep on his shoulder. You are His beautiful child. I’m proud of you for being still and for being honest with Him about your anger, even though it feels terribly “unchristian”. Believe me, He is happier with your honest nakedness before Him, than He would be with any memory verse you coldly recite and do not believe. Right now you believe in your anger and you do not see how God’s hands can heal the wound that seems to stretch across your entire flesh; but trust me, He will. Keep loving yourself, crying out to him, and taking those clumsy child steps you take so well. You are walking! and yes, even growing! you may laugh, i know you don’t even know what that means, ‘growing’, but believe me you are.

I also wanted to say that if I had to walk through this life tied to anyone, I’m glad it is you and I know God is going to use me, mercy, in you to touch others and lead them to His greater mercy and forgiveness. I love you.

Keep crying and screaming, whatever you need to do at the moment, and know you are loved by your Father in heaven, the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our deepest pain, that we may comfort others (2 Cor 1)

Be blessed friend, and thank you, yes even for all the negative thoughts of today, because they are you and you are beautiful beyond words
Your sister

Mercy