Eclectic Waters

your favor Lord we desire, your beauty makes us stand in silence,

your love is better than life… (song/psalm)

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two people in the same conversation - one is convicted and listens, the other is annoyed but hears and is changed - the same meal, the same conversation, two people on either side of the same person -

I want to be the one who is changed - I can read and hear a million words, but if I do not grow it has been worth nothing

I hope I am always aware of my ignorance and sin - and that in the midst of that despair and darkness I find the enlightment and freedom only God can give -

I want to love people - not protecting, enabling or drawing a false sense of security/worth from them - but loving them for who they are - not my false images - and content to walk beside them, embracing them - love one another deeply - as we travel this life

my heart pounds with joy whenever i see a change in a friend - growth - life - a realization - greater freedom - i look forward to seeing their faces change with age and my prayer is that we will mature and grow and that our wrinkles will be reflections of our rootedness in Christ -
my eyes can’t wait for heaven, where we will live forever, and where i will be able to witness the glory of God reflected in each of His children perfectly -

oh, that today were that day

There is a rythm to each day that mimics the rythm of our breathing. We rise, we are busy throughout the day and then we go to sleep. Day, night, day, night. Like a heartbeat we move, causing a beat to form in the skin of our wrist. But the cadences are what make the movement noticable. Night seperates each day and even if we fight it, our body will give into its need for sleep and refreshment. Thinking with the lights off I thought about how different our lives would be if we did not need sleep. I would never rest. My bodies limitations and needs are actually blessings because they cause me to be still, to breathe deeply and to be quiet.

Es ist schlafen zeit - its time to sleep - sweet dreams - just thought i’d rise and share that thought - briefly

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go?

Ephesians 6:16     above all, taking the shield of faith, with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.

i tell people i am a writer and yet if i were to go by the level of what i feel my ability is or how quickly i become discouraged i would rather tell you i eat paper - who knows maybe i could make a profession of it. come and see the woman who eats paper.
here’s to crap words and crap writing and to hoping i have the courage to pick up my pen this week

a bee sucking pollen from a purple bud, fingers running through my hair, hearing my mom on the phone, watching ed smile out of the side of his mouth as i talk non-stop through a colombo episode just to keep his mind from getting depressed, ed trusting me enough to change his briefs, preparing ed’s meal and bringing it to him, reading part of a book about trust and realizing i do not get it yet, crying on the phone to my mom as she admits that God has changed her life in the last years (i have seen it but we have not really talked about it), wanting that change so much i can taste it, feeling the earth quiver within my chest, i’m thankful for the way in which my life is falling apart

each moment like a crumb within my hand, enough to feed me for this moment but i am thirsty for the living water, for the intimacy and security of Christ - i am tired of thirsting, but also thankful because it is all that draws me to God

watching t.v. and feeling this overwhelming emotional hole within me that no relationship can satisfy; i am thankful for that too because it too reels me in, spinning and twisting against the rope that ultimately leads me closer to God

i despise people who have this happy naieve innocent spirit about them because i assume they either have a limited experience with pain or they are stupid

this last week i had one of these people i have scorned rebuke me firmly and with love. i have never had anyone talk to me like this woman talked to me. she is older than me and described how she sees many woman in my generation who seem hopeless and how she sees that in me. she also told me that i needed a good spanking, and someone to beat me out of the crusted shell i have become encased in. i cried throughout her speech. she is right

i look forward to being broken so that i can be healed, losing so that i may gain, dying so that i may live

because of her speech i respect her more than i respect most people; i do not remember the last time someone spoke to me as she did. i am usually coddled or listened to and respected because of my ability to communicate - but there is a wall within myself that i cannot break or scale - and i do not want to know that i’m normal and that its okay to feel this way - that’s bullshit!

i want to change and overcome - forget about how “normal” or “acceptable” it is to be stuck and sad, i want to get out of this place

here’s to the woman i came to respect this week - and here’s to me being broken

cheers! ha!

God, break my pride! thank you that it is beginnig to shatter - break me more - as necessary - until I am yours

i’m so full of shit that even if i bail continually with my small bucket of self-effort, i will sink beneath the waves - you are the only one who can scoop and forgive all this crap in me - and change me - i want to walk on water
If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all iniquity…