Eclectic Waters

Archive for December, 2007

“It sounds like you’re in a season of waiting”, Bill told me.

It made sense.

There’s only one problem.

I hate waiting!

But…

I was reminded about waiting by today’s sermon. “God waits until the last minute.”

Abraham’s hand was poised above his son’s chest. The knife glinting above the mountain side.

Shadrach, Meshak and Abednego were being thrown into the fire. The men casting them to the flames all died.

It was in that moment. The deciding moment that God’s deliverance arrived.

The Israelites were caught at the Dead Sea’s shore with the Egyptian army at their back. They could hear the angry screams and metal of the chariot wheels advancing towards them.

As the pastor said, “I would have written the story differently. If I were in charge, I would deliver you sooner. But God is wiser than I am and He loves you more than I do.”

lost in the sea of the ocean

touch the sand with your toes

somersault

hold your breath

shake the water from your hair

and laugh at the sun

Rachael, Justin and Eric have all flown back to California. I am the last of the West Coast children left. The house is empty, but it’s nice to relax in the quietness of my parents and Lyndsay’s lives for a couple more days.

Today I spent the day in the van. First in the middle seats reading and sleeping. Then after watching Rachael and Eric walk through security and having lunch at Denny’s with my parents, I sat with my arms resting on my knees as I chatted with my parents.

I think they are the best parents in the world. Their transparency about their lives, and specifically about the challenges of parenting, which we talked about today, along with their willingness to share and listen, gives me a high standard to live up to.

Later, Dad took an uncomfortable nap in the back of the van as I claimed the front seat beside Mum’s focused driving. We listened to the rain on the roof and watched the lights of the oncoming traffic stretch and glisten in the night.

Click.

Take a picture. Remember it.

This is the part of life I hold and cherish in the front pocket of my heart.

I lay on the table with my arms and legs stretched out. The room is cold and I feel vulnerable. While I am free to go, I know that it is worth staying. As the surgeon walks towards me with the cutting knife, I am reminded to breath when my vision blurs.

Do you trust me?

He pauses as I answer the silent question of his eyes, “yes.”

———–

Sometimes healing creeps through the door unseen and slowly puts all in order. At other times, we must invite him in and face the pain of our wounds being re-opened, cleaned and sewn together.

During the summer of 03 I had a choice. I remained on the cutting table until the work was done.

My last day with Pam I felt lighter. The well of my eyes finally emptied; they could now accept light.

Career crisis’ can be great – esp. if you have a career.

I don’t.

But I still have career crisis’, at least that’s what I call them. It’s that chest tightening, heart thudding thought,

“Am I doing what I should be? Could I be doing more?”

All these stems from a performance driven sense of self that fluctuates between two extremes:

1. I am amazing – I can do more than I am doing now.

2. I’m not that great – I don’t think I can grow into the shoes I’m dreaming I will one day wear.

I came to South Carolina hoping for some quiet, peace and a couple answers. Is this discontent something to be pushed through as I learn contentment in my current situation so I can be as cool as Paul? Or, is this discontent something to take seriously and maybe I’m time to fly out into new skies?

I’ve gone swimming in the depths of the sea. I’ve found a couple answers and tried them on for size.

My story will tell the rest of the tail… oops, I mean tale.
One of the answers I’ve decided to keep is that I am blessed.

If I were to die tomorrow, I would have a handful of regrets, but none of them noteworthy. I am loved unconditionally by God and have found love in my family and friends.