Eclectic Waters

Archive for December, 2007

weary from the tears of the weekend

i force my throat to swallow the ball of pain that would continually push itself out of my mouth and into my eyes

causing

me to pause, paralyzed

hopeless.

i can’t be feeling this way

the shame and disgust i feel for experiencing these emotions and this hopeless loneliness only exacerbate the problem.

——

“I don’t hang for her answer anymore. There’s a weight off me. I said it all out loud and the world didn’t come to an end. I listened to my story, let loose, running around free in the morning air, and it wasn’t as bad as I expected. It didn’t even take that long to tell, once I got started.”

– Rayona in A Yellow Raft in Blue Water by Michael Dorris.

——

I’ve been focusing on the fog this recent rain has caused. It’s blurred my vision and instead of calmly waiting for it too fade, I have been screaming at it.

Leave!
This does not help.
It just seems so pointless. I work, save money, pay off school loans, buy a car, only to start the process again… to continue the process. I’m bored.

Maybe there’s not enough challenges in my life, and maybe I just need to find new opportunities to grow.

People tell me I am making a difference, I am a special lady… but their words fall dim.

Come on ears – listen!

I fight to believe and to accept their love as my emotions and state of mind dictate meaningless failure and despondence.

—————–

Teeth accumulate caulk through everyday activities. This is why we brush teeth and floss them (even if we don’t, we know we should).

What can I do to remove the caulk from my soul?

It builds up until I am weary and heavy from moving – I want to take dynamite to blast it from me.

——–

At least…

I am alive.

Two years ago, I was experiencing similar emotions and questions, and they ate my very life until I was thin, ghostly and weak. Today they are here, but so am I -

fighting,

exercising,

eating right,

getting sleep,

listening to the love of those around me

and

moving forward…

one day,

one moment

at a time.

It’s all I can do – those great questions,

well,

hopefully the answers will come later.

——

I have been contemplating a change of scenery – but I know the decision must wait until I am out of this valley.

Good decisions are rarely made in the valley -

the valley is where we keep pushing forward and learn to be faithful…

God,

I am waiting for a break in this weather of my soul.