Eclectic Waters

Archive for May, 2008

read the lines on the soft of my belly

the swirls at the end of letters in my eyes

the sentence breathing against my tongue

This afternoon I was disappointed when I left a discussion I was hoping for answers in with none. I gained information I already knew (at least intuitively) about myself, my gifts and where I am heading…and I was left with the statement, “we don’t have anything like this right now [in the church] but I can see it happening in the next year or year and a half so stick around…”

There is just a slight problem. I am driven. I love practical applications, a list of how to run and where to… I left empty handed feeling the burning of desire and energy in my stomach – with no where to go to… yet.

AHHH! I’ve been waiting the last year – silently – waiting

my mind:

Dee, it’s a journey – relax! You’re facing the right direction, you’re being faithful, you have great friends, a good life… relax and enjoy the calm

my spirit:

are you kidding? but i have all this energy – this time – and every two weeks i’m bored out of my mind at what i’m doing (for work and for church)…

the end result:

i cried to lyndsay. i shared with tiffany. and after a bath and some time to settle… although i still feel unsettled, i am looking at this as an opportunity – just as I began to see life after my first semester of student teaching when I decided to give student teaching one more try… and learned so much -

this could be like it – an opportunity to wait, to pray and to learn to start becoming my own teacher as I wait…

what’s that truth again?

Waiting is not passive. And that’s good, because neither am I…

about going to Canada for my Grandma’s funeral.

It was one of the most beautiful and meaningful experiences of my life.

To enter a house of mourning – to sit with my family – cry with them – laugh with them.

To be held – to hold each other as we cried.

To see the living room full of flowers, bright against her absence.

To see my Grandpa comforting us – when I cannot imagine what is going through his own soul.

—-

Her children and my Grandpa walked to the front of the funeral home first – standing together, crying. Next the rest of the family approached. I have never seen a dead person before. I don’t want to look – but as I walk up the aisle, I look into her still life face. She is pale her dress looks beautiful on her. She is no longer struggling for breath and her nose no longer holds oxygen tubes.

—-

The funeral was beautiful – to see so many gathered to support us and to honor her.

—-

Life made more sense to me after this experience – life does not continue forever. We will be reunited with her. Life is sad – but also alive – breathtaking -

Walking down the aisle behind her casket for the funeral and as it ended, I was reminded of a bride walking down the aisle. New life. And now we were walking down this aisle at the end of a life.

—-

I love you Grandma.

When I see you in my heart, I see you dancing (even if you are Mennonite) and Jesus is laughing with you and twirling you in a field of flowers. Your head is thrown back as you laugh and your eyes are as bright as the sky.

I wish I could be there. But I will be one day and until then I will continue your legacy of loving Jesus while on earth.

One day we will both be dancing.

as i stand here in the rain of my soul.

i am so thankful for the gifts God has given me this weekend:

a new friendship shared over breakfast at Shades

being able to dive into telling my story

for the first time

with joy

and having this new friend tell me,

i love that in your story you are aware of the hand of God over the events of your life…

and i thought,

that’s it,

that’s what i’ve been trying to capture and it’s true.

He has stood with me in the rain of my soul.

and then tonight,

talking to my friend of six, almost seven years, and having her pray over me

(i love friends with the gift of discernment who are in tune with the Spirit)

and to have her pray over me,

thank you God for giving Deanne a Mary’s heart even though she often thinks she is more like Martha…

and through her, God touched that deep part of me that feared that maybe i was a Martha past saving -

too task oriented and what if he had given up…

i forgot how close He is to me -

our hearts are knit together.

By grace we see what we see.

To have faith is to respond to what we see by longing for it for the rest of our days;

by trying to live up to it and toward it

through all the wonderful and terrible things;

by breathing it in like air and growing strong on it;

by looking

to see it again and see it better.