Have you been bolstering up that stupid soul of yours with the idea that your circumstances are too much for God? Put all “supposing” on one side and dwell in the shadow of the Almighty. Deliberately tell God that you will not fret about that thing. All our fret and worry is caused by calculating without God.
it’s true - i’ve been fretting again -
besides a growing discontent and boredom invading my working life
and the reality of many of my friends getting married, and my two younger sisters having serious boyfriends,
i’ve been in need of an attitude adjustment -
but i’m so thankful for my parents who have patiently listened as i try to process through all i have learned this last month, and as i struggle with what steps to take in the future…
the above quote captures my need to believe that God is in control.
Since coming back from Cabo my mind and heart have been full. There has been the culture shock of being back in America, even though we were only gone for 10 days. The stark contrast between the wealth of America and the poverty we experienced in the barrio. The dancing/singing/speaking in tongues church of the barrio and the stoic/sit in your seat/don’t disrupt the service church of El Cajon.
I miss the palpable hand of God upon my head,
and the sense of complete dependency that I felt all the way to my smallest toe.
But this last part is the failing of my own perspective -
and so I have been trying to take the experiences and truth of God’s hand and control in my life from Cabo
and allowing him - the better word is TRUSTING him to be in control here -
where I can so easily order and maintain my own life. It’s harder to give him control in the terrain of my familiar home, job and life.
But as I’ve been struggling through this, he’s been giving me dreams -
small sparks of passions yet to be stoked
small sparks of dreams yet to be
u n f o ld e d and made
real.
But the time is coming…
I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery than live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it.
but the best, absolutely the best, is when you’re given the space.
Someone asks a question, and in their sincere and caring eyes - you find an open space to fill with your words, your heart.
People like these are treasure. When you find one, keep them - but be sure to open up spaces for them as well.
If only we could listen more carefully to each other’s heart.
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So… the natural down after the high of junior high camp, visiting the beach or coming home after being on a mission trip…
I thought I had rested enough and that the break from work would give me renewed strength and passion for my life here -
instead
as i glanced around the walls of my life here
all i saw was white space
stretching up
stretching down
and farther than my arms could reach
meaningless
Solomon whispered to his pen
meaningless…
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It was hot running with Rhonda today - and whether it was the heat, my tiredness, the intense emotions of these last weeks… I cried.
We kept running, walked and then ran again as she met my grief with stories from her life. Not the fluffy advice ridden words of the people who try to seal our grief away, but the raw stories of life with the pieces of flesh and blood sticking out of them.
And on that note, I hereby declare:
I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING
I feel like a blind man in the darkness who thinks everyone else is seeing light - only to realize that we are all in darkness together - for it is night -
but the day is coming…
only God can save us!