Eclectic Waters

Archive for September, 2008

water dripping into my eyes from the hole in the damn above my head

i am not…

this haunts me…

my sister was mad at me and i felt she hated me -

she shook her head,

i’m mad dee, i don’t hate you…

later she came to my room and i swallowed my pride

opened that part of me that is real

to her gaze,

since boarding school – there is a part of me that never fully trusts -

even my family

are you sure you won’t leave me?

I don’t feel good enough – there must be a broken part of me -

are you sure you won’t leave me?

it hurt to tell the truth

she looked at me with love

put her hands on my shoulders

eyes diving into my own

Dee Dee I will never abandon you

i cried

is it true?

oh lie, you wretched beast

lying snaked around my heart

release your choking grip

The affection in his eyes

uncovered

the fear in my chest

until all the shiny cockroaches came skuttling

an army of fear

across the floor of me.

—–

His affection was not the reason -

but merely the mirror by which my state was revealed.

—–

Fear.

Infestation.

I watch them skuttling

hold my arms out

they crawl to my fingers

and wait

for the smoke of freedom

to carry them away.

we are the silverhanded maidens

holding tears that glisten

you hold mine

as i hold yours

and we shake with the weight of grief

pouring from our eyes…
will it ever end?

we have followed the path;

we have loved Him

and we are confused,

why here Lord?

why here?

is this really the way?

the answers have hidden themselves

in the shadows…

all we feel

is His hand

comforting us

His arms

wrapped around us

as we shake from the pain spilling from the well

of our deepest soul…

I am thankful for you beautiful Ali – to cry

in the safety of your presence
and to hold your tears in my heart

You are beautiful

loved

and most precious!

I have no room for you -

I am full -

Shrugging my shoulders I distance my heart and my attention from the person I see standing alone on the sidelines of our church group.

I’m sorry, I’m full, I have no time/energy/love/interest for you…

I didn’t feel like it – but I reached out

silently telling God

I have no room; nothing to give.

I’ve felt frustrated at work and stressed this week. Instead of coming home and relaxing – I have come home uptight – so uptight and worried that I fought God, struggling to let go. I wouldn’t say that I’ve succeeded this week.

I saw her and felt empty, but decided to reach out.

I had nothing to give – so I took her with me – introducing her to my friends – she even met some of her own…

and suddenly during the message

I was reminded -

it’s not about me.

i don’t have to have everlasting water or energy -

that’s right

i can be empty

because

He, my Lord and Savior, is the source

I can open my empty hands to him

and He will fill them

I can lift my hurting friends up to Him

He will bear their pain and heal them

I

am but a tool

a vessel.

As Peter told the beggar.

Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk.

I have nothing: He has everything.

I have nothing, but I can bring you to Jesus…

Come…

will you go?

is a fragile and fierce thing.

Are you hopeless?

lay your

HEavY load

d

o

w n

and R e A c H

for the

G I VER

of h o pe.

Time and time again, he has rescued me from the darkness of my mind and the world around me.

He helps me scale every wall I come against.

Thank you Holy Father, Jesus my Savior and brother and Holy Spirit, my guide and counselor.