Archive for October, 2008
i paint a picture
and then as i sit contemplating it
the door to my grief is opened and i step inside
and find myself holding my favorite teddy bear to my heart and sobbing…
these moments -
they are rare -
but i don’t like them
the door to my grief seems to be connected to the door of the lies that haunt me
“you’re not good enough”
“you’re weird, broken beyond repair”
“you’re too messy, too burdensome…”
….
Rach came home – knocked on the door of my room and came in
wow, that’s great
she looks at the painting and then turns to me
Dee
What’s wrong?
I hate to see you cry alone…
and she comes to sit by me and hear my heart
and even now
typing these words
that seem too open
too vulnerable
i am crying
because i still feel unwothy
but i also feel loved
and i don’t know how God is going to heal me
or how my life
my messy life
will unwind itself…
so i am going to sleep
with the silence i feel
and the empty air to my questions…
forgive me
this morning
after driving through the fog
the sun was trying to sweep away
i walked the beach
longing overflowing
from within.
dee, remember the dolphins in Santa.. that morning when you asked for them – for me to reveal my love for you…
yes, i remember.
would you like to see them again?
yes, that would be wonderful. but you don’t have to…
this week i’ve been stumbling along
God is touching and opening up some deep things in my heart
the truth
like a knife of light
is cutting
revealing
and i have been weeping – grieving
how do i accept your love Abba
when i have learned to be my own god…
self sufficient
contained
edited
controlled
controling
hiding…
things too deep for this blog…
how do I allow You your rightful place, Abba?
How do I step down and
receive your love, protection and care
and give up my vain efforts…
i don’t know how…
I’ve been playing this role for so long…
this morning I went to the water
waded in the water
and while I did not find answers…
I saw dolphins
I saw His magnificance
and deep affection
for me?
I hold it in my shivering hand…
forgive me Abba…
as I turn to watch the dolphins leave…
and listen…
I am forgiven.