Eclectic Waters

Archive for 2008

God is adequate as our keeper… Your faith will not fail while God sustains it, you are not strong enough to fall away while God is resolved to hold you.

—

I love watching waves sweep over sand at the beach. It continues to amaze me how quickly the wave will gently brush all traces of disturbance away. Footsteps fill with water and disappear.

In the personality class I took, we talked about what the biggest stressors are for the different types. NT’s are powerlessness & incompetence. SJ’s are abandonment and insubordination. SP’s are constraint and clumsiness. NF’s are insincerity and betrayal (this is me).

The phrase that has been floating in my mind over the last two weeks is a realization that has not sunk in yet, and while I can see some of the implications, it hasn’t hit me yet.

The phrase is:

Throughout my life, especially as a child and teenager, whenever I moved, I felt betrayed by the people I loved and left behind.

I saw the space I filled in their life dissapear. But just as it is natural for a wave to fill a footprint and smooth it over, so we, people, are adaptable and when when lose someone, we hold the same power. We grieve the loss and move on. New friendships are formed and that space is filled and smoothed over until the grief no longer cuts like a knife.

My head knows this. But my heart still feels betrayed.

If they really loved me…If I was really remarkable… they would not have moved on or they would have kept in better touch (not that I’m great at keeping in touch).

Anyways… I hope God will touch this area of woundedness in my life as well. While my head says, accept it and the fact that people move on (and even I have moved on!) doesn’t negate the affection and friendship you shared, but my heart is lagging behind…

and I also find it hard to trust in the affection of others… I know how quickly the wave of time can smooth me and any memory of me from your life. Even with my family, I am afraid to love them with all that I am… because as they move forward in life… won’t I be forgotten.

My deepest cry is for connecting with people and sharing the stories of everyday, mundane, irresistible life… but as they move away or as other priorities come in…

My fear is that I will be forgotten

unloved

alone.

I’ve moved on from my port diary – having pulled all the vibrant experiences and details from it

and I am now reviewing the first of my diaries.

When I was 13 I began to keep a diary. Up until college, I had a diary for each year. This is the first year I have ressurected the tradition.

It’s been fascinating reading the thoughts and descriptions of my 13 year old. I see the beginning of lies as well as the beginning sparks of the woman I have become. So much of it causes me to have joy. I see God’s hand in my story and while I see the darkness, there is incredible light.

My last two journal entries from that journal:

-
26th November 1996

Dear Anne,

Two days to my birthday and I’m tired, and crying and down.

I like to think it’s better when one lives on land, has friends, has sports…

I don’t know why I feel like this. I’ve had a good day and everything, maybe I’m getting to bed too late.

Joyce is back, she was on A-team.

I seem to miss my friends a lot lately, maybe it’s because a special event (birthday) is coming up and I have no one my age to celebrate with.

See ya, Deanne

-

27th December 1996
Dear Anne,

Today is the last day of our long and wonderful friendship. Tomorrow I shall start writing to Beth.

As I look back I realize this year has been one of changes and learning.

Some things wonderful, some okay and of course some have been miserable.

I have thoroughly enjoyed being 13, it it truely an age between girl and womanhood; it is an age to be thoroughly enjoyed.

There have been times when I have felt old and times when I felt as young as one can feel.

I shall miss you Anne and being 13.

Deanne

A simple confession

can open a million doors.

-
Hold the affection lightly,

dancing on the edge of your fingertips.

-
Relish the view brought to life by the touch of your hand.

I love that my birthday usually falls in the same week as thanksgiving!

My birthday and the week surrounding New Year are my favorite times to reflect…

look at all that God has done…

look how the road has turned and twisted this year

and the years past…

I can’t believe I’m 26, but also that I’m only 26
and I am loved

what more can I ask?

I am blessed with so many gifts

amazing parents, caring siblings I love to be around and laugh with (we’re goofy), great friends, a good job and then all the other gifts of a new day, a cup of coffee, paint, an easel, my mind, a pen, blank paper… the beautiful tree outside my window currently displaying vibrant red, orange and yellow…

so I take a minute to sit on my bed as I type with a smile…

Thank you my Lord and Savior -

my Healer

my Good Shepherd,

I am your lamb

your child

your Beloved

a part of your Church, your Bride…

broken and restored

weak but strong
alive in your love.