Eclectic Waters

Archive for February, 2009

Stop your hiding.

He stands in the hall,

“I never counted or wanted you to disappear.”

As I timidly peek around the corner,

I see truth in his eyes.

Will I ever stop my reflex disappearing act,

that only stops when I am alone

in the dusty recesses of a closet

or with my hair touching the bottom of a bed

watching for approaching feet,

listening to my own breath.

i hope so…

but if it will not break… this reflex trick that robs me and those i love…

i hope to have the strength to choose intimacy

despite the shadows beckoning.

“Hey, I have an idea.” Taking his hand, she grabbed her coat, handed him his and led him to the car.

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

They ducked through the rain and got into the car. She began to drive towards the freeway. Once there, she sped forward.

He leaned back into the seat, knowing that to ask again where they were going would be fruitless.

He watched the windshield wipers swish back and forth and listened to the sound of the rain on the windows and roof of the car.

The rain had hit San Diego suddenly and as he looked at the horizon, the grey sky seemed endless.

Weariness settled over him and he sighed. It all seemed pointless. Three months ago life had seemed rife with possibility, but within the last weeks, through a series of job and relationship occurances, the possibility had seemed to slither away like the snake in the garden and he was left feeling empty and discouraged.

“Where are we going?” He already knew she wouldn’t tell him, but it was worth a try.

“You’ll see. Relax. Enjoy the ride.”

He leaned further into the seat and closed his eyes.

An hour later, he woke up to find the car parked outside a Denny’s. He didn’t recognize the place, but noticed the rain had stopped and light was beginning to filter in through the clouds.

“You woke up just in time.” She smiled.

“Where are we?”

“I don’t really know. It doesn’t matter.”

“What do you mean? Why are we here?”

“I mean, I know which exit we’re off of and how to get home. But the place doesn’t really matter, I just wanted to get out of the rain and to be reminded that the sunlight will come again.”

She paused and looked him in the eyes.

“I know you’ve been discouraged lately, and so when I heard that the storm was moving, I decided to drive in the direction it was leaving. I didn’t know how long it would take, but I wanted to remind us both that while this season may be discouraging and seem endless, it’s not,

she looked at the rain and then back at him, “I love you and I know this is just a season. You want to get a cup of coffee?”

He stared out the window, not sure what to think of this ride to chase sunlight. It seemed rather silly to him, but the sweetness of the gesture made him smile. He wasn’t ready to talk about the discouragement that overlaid his heart, but yes, a cup of coffee sounded good, especially after his nap in the car. As he shook his head, a smile began to emerge, starting at the corners of his mouth, “Okay.”

—–

I don’t know what discouragements or situations you may be facing, but I hope you know you are loved, wonderfully made (YOU!!!) and that if you are in the midst of a storm, it will pass.

I stand in the rain

I’ve stood in the rain before

and

I’ve danced in the light.

Regardless of how powerful and threatening the storm is,

it always passes.

The greater the storm, the greater the light when I emerge.

Do not give up,

hope.

It will birth new things.

It always does.

I’ve started reading Becoming Real: Defeating the Stories We Tell Ourselves that Hold Us Back by Gail Saltz. It’s a good read and resonates with things I’ve learned in my own healing journey.

One of the stories I came to believe as a child, was that I would never be understood and so I gave up and hid the deepest and most sacred parts of myself. Now I know I may not be understood, but there is also a great chance that I will be… if I will give people a chance, if I will communicate… and instead of operating out of a fear of others and fear of not being understood… now I can operate out of trust – trust towards others, towards God, and towards myself…

Another of the stories I came to believe as a child was that I was an orphan. That God wanted to hurt me because he had some twisted idea about making me strong. That my parents did not see me and my needs and so I could not trust them. I made myself an orphan – through telling myself the story and believing it. Although as a child it was done to survive – I didn’t want to blame God or my parents, so instead I took the blame on myself and ostracized myself. Don’t trust others…

But I’m so thankful that this story too has been brought to the light and that God has brought healing to the wound.

I am not an orphan!! and I have been able to confess and weep over my lack of trust with God and with my parents!! amazing gift!

and now I am free to open up – stop operating in fear and self-protection -

and to trust and enjoy true intimacy and affection with God and with my parents.

and for the first time since I can remember, I have entered a season of knowing and experiencing love

I know and believe that I am deeply loved by God and by my parents…

amazing

I am blessed

and so thankful that God kept pushing me on the path towards healing – although healing is defintely not the easiest path…

but now that I have seen the great light – I can never go back to darkness!!!!

Cody, Daniel and I flew to Cabo san Lucas on Thursday morning and returned Sunday evening. When I sit down to write about Cabo, I don’t know where to begin. As a result I have not yet sent the thank you letters to those who supported my trip last year. When I think of all that God did last year, and all that he taught me, the pen drops from my hand and I sit in silent awe. Thankfulness fills me and I am blessed that God allowed me to show up and be a part of what He is doing there!

Around two years ago, Daniel and I went on our first short term mission trip. Neither of us was uber excited about it and considered ourselves to be “doing our time.”

We’ll go God, but then we’ll return to our normal lives and probably won’t go again.

This was our thought. We went and it was a good trip. We worked with Elsa, who runs a Christian school in Cabo san Lucas, and Donna, who is from Bosnia but works in Cabo as a missionary. She runs a food program in the poor areas, providing food for children and the many single mom’s who live in the barrios. Returning to the States, I did not give much thought to Cabo. Daniel too, got caught back up in normal life. But then God started moving Daniel’s heart. There is more to be done in Cabo.

Daniel’s thoughts and heart began to dwell on the people in Cabo and he caught the vision of ministry there. When Daniel shared what God was putting on his heart, I knew it was God moving his heart because we had spoken about the fact that we wanted to experience a mission trip but weren’t interested in making it a long term committment. The more Daniel shared, the more I saw that God was stirring him. A wise friend once gave me advice, Deanne, if you want to be a part of what God is doing, look around, see where He is moving, and show up. God will use you. You just need to show up.

God was obviously moving and so I committed to being involved because I wanted to be there.

Last year, Daniel and I headed up a team to Cabo. The vision in our hearts is to work with the local churches, to support them and help them reach their communities, the poor in Cabo. In scripture, God talks continually of the poor, the fatherless, the orphans, and so we know they are important to Him. In June of 2008 a team of thirteen of us went to Cabo and built a house for a young pastor and his family. It was an amazing trip. The relationships and connection made between the church and our team were deep, and we were able to participate in their children’s program. The first year I went to Cabo, the prinicpal of the school, Eric, had led some of our devotional times. He is currently the Pastor of the Spanish ministry. When our team arrived in Cabo the first year, one of the first things he shared was, You think you are here to do construction and build, but God brought you here to build you. You are His building and that is His focus.

During our 2008 trip, I saw this to be true. During our evening sharing/devotional/worship times, we were each changed. God taught us so much on that trip, and I saw his fingerprints on each person. God is building His church! The 2008 trip was amazing and as Daniel and I began to pray and talk about the next trip, I was nervous because I couldn’t imagine anything topping that trip and I didn’t want to be let down. We knew that we wanted to continue helping the local church (this is after all the vision:)) and many of the pastors in the communities do not have church buildings because of lack of funds. Our current mission is to build churches that will act as community centers. This means the food ministry can be started there and then carried on by the church. The buildings we construct will be sturdy and will act as a shelter from hurricanes. Most houses in the area are made out of pieces of wood, steel or cardboard and will not withstand the type of weather Cabo sees in the winter.

We gave Elsa and Donna the task of finding a church for us to build. They had a couple of options in mind, but Elsa did not feel peace about them. God, show us where YOU want us to build the church, they prayed. They drove around the different areas, praying and looking. Suddenly they saw it, a corner lot with a tent and a small building made of palettes. On the side of the lot was a sign with the service times. Elsa returned for one of the services to make sure the pastor preached the word of God, and then, without telling the pastor why, she arranged a meeting with him on Friday. The day after we arrived, Cody, Daniel and I met with the pastor. He had also brought some people from his congregation. We asked him some doctrinal questions to make sure he was on the same page. Then we looked at each other and nodded and Daniel shared the story of why we were there and that we would like to join with him and his congregation to build a church. The meeting then branched into a time of sharing. Everyone was of one accord and it was reiterated again and again that this was not about us, the church building or our glory. This project was for God’s glory and for the good of the community.

One of the women shared as tears ran down her cheeks, We have been praying. God has given us this land, but we had no funds for a building. We had no idea God would answer our prayers so quickly.

The next three days of our time in Cabo were filled with meetings and planning. Everything we needed, each question we had…was provided and answered. Before meeting the pastor for the first time, we were praying for a translator, women from the congregation who would be willing to cook for the team at the construction site, and people from the congregation who would be willing/have construction experience to work with us on the building. Elsa had not told the pastor why we were meeting, but the members he had invited to the meeting included: a translator, women who gladly volunteered to cook for the team, and a construction contractor who said he would be there to help us build. AMAZING!

God was ahead of us for the whole planning trip and I can’t wait to see what He will do in June when we return with the team!

I don’t have time to tell the whole story tonight as I am recovering from a cold and need to sleep, but I will own that I am a recovering co-dependant.

But I wanted to share this song that’s been resonating with me. I’ll admit, I blast it from my car as I remind myself that forfeiting who God made me for the approval of others is not a worthwhile exchange. It will leave me empty (even though it has been one of my ways of surviving for a long time)
Pirate Bones by Natasha Bedingfield