Eclectic Waters

It was over 100 degrees on Monday and 94 yesterday.  While the temperature is supposed to drop over the next couple of days, it would seem that summer is officially here.

I no longer drive to work in the dark, but watch the sun paint the sky hues of light pink and blue in the morning as I follow the curve of the on ramp onto the 67.

Today I’m going to the beach.  I haven’t been in over a month and it’s time.   I miss the sand, the rolling waves and the stillness of walking or sitting, allowing myself to detach from the weekly busyness of work and life, to simply be.

“Only Christ Himself, who slept in the boat in the storm and then spoke calm to the wind and waves, can stand beside us when we are in panic and say to us Peace. It will not be explainable. It transcends human understanding. And there is nothing like it in the whole wide world.”

- Elizabeth Elliot

the words hiding inside

the ones spun around the darkest corner -

ease them up out of your stomach

pull them through your throat

listen to them rest against your tongue

push them over your lips

into sunlight…

through writing

through talking with friends

through sharing with my sisters…

i have brought into the light some things i have hidden since i was young

SURPRISE

they still accept and love me

SURPRISE

they understand parts of what I say

SURPRISE

it is healing me

HOORAY!!!

the light is coming in

I’ve been wondering why I felt so much anger at God after writing the section of the book I did last week - it was largely about my identity and longing for a home/a place.

During small group when one of our members was sharing, I realized why I was angry.

My friend shared about crying out to God about a deep and painful area - asking for His help and healing.  When she received no answer, she decided:

I’m going to keep being a Christian and I will talk to God about my family and friends, but I will no longer talk to God about THIS issue.

She closed the door.  It was too painful.

As she spoke, the lightbulb in my head came on.  This was it. The reason I was so angry is that I didn’t want to talk to God about this area.  And yet, through writing about the experience, it forced me to put it into words and in meeting with Diana, my counselor, who asks those probing questions counselors seem to be so adept at asking,  it made me re-open the conversation with God…

I wouldn’t say I’m happy about it - still wrestling through it.   But at least I’m talking to Him about it again…

despite popular opinion, not talking about such things does not make them go away.

This afternoon I read Eclipse (3rd book in the twilight series) and then took a walk around my lake.  There was a solid wind that played with my hair and it was nice to see the birds and the water.   Sitting on a bench overlooking the lake, I shared with Him and listened…

I’m not sure what the exact purpose of this writing is, but I do feel He has led me to write my story,

I hate not knowing where it will lead…

So… it’s easy to write a blog about deep things going on, but harder to open my mouth to share it with close friends and family.

But, yesterday I was able to share some of what’s been on my heart with my Dad and my small group. 

Small group last night was amazing - a number of us were able to share some things we’ve been wrestling with, and we were able to be honest about our frustration and feeling distant for God.   We also had a great discussion as two new Christian’s shared some of what they’ve encountered with the “Church culture” (not all good).

It was so refreshing to have such honesty and then to feel the safety and acceptance of the group!

It’s a gift!