Archive for October, 2009
soo cool –
the last words i wrote before going to bed
At this time
I am hearing wait
and followed by wait
I hear trust
Wait. Trust.
He is.
My morning ritual. Before I get out of bed, I open Daily Light and read the morning verses for today. After reading I snuggled deeper into the covers and let the verses sink in. Thank you Abba – you love me so well!
It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. – Lam 3:26
Wait for the Lord, and he will save you. – Prov 20:22
Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him… – Ps 37:7
You will not need to fight in this battle. Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord. – 2 Chron 20:17
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went to an office party – they were watching the 2nd game of the world series – yankies won – boo i and the group were routing for the phillies – at least there are more games to be played before the end result
i pick at the frayed edge of fabric until i grasp the thread and slowly unravel the piece of cloth i am holding
i.e. i’m still processing and trying to embrace all the emotions inside
there are things (like baseball and the phillies team) that i would not care about if not for grant – but now that i do care about them and grant is gone – my poor emotions aren’t sure what to do – keep caring for the things or discard the feelings like yesterday’s leftovers… hmm – but i am excited to learn more about sports and one of the guys at the get together was helpful in explaining more of the intracies of baseball
anyways – i’m also tired, all this processing and feeling takes energy! so… i’ve already set up my next distraction. Last year i got hooked on Lost, one of the best shows EVER and can’t wait for it to start this January – but since i’m all caught up on that series, i have Dwayne bringing me season one of 24. i’ve heard it’s good and sometimes we need a distraction to dissapear into for awhile… so that’s my next vice 
tonight i was also thinking about how i’m not a ‘traditional missionary’ (although as Christians we are all light/missionaries) and how life in one place is still disorienting to me at times – i keep waiting for the ‘next break’
until now each chapter of my life has been divided by place. but now i’ve been in san diego for over 3 years, almost 4, and it’s weird being in one place and to have memories begin to overlap places – and to think that RHonda and i have been running together for over a year – that i used to live down the street from church – just randomn memories all entwined in the same place
and i’m still praying about my purpose, God what did you create me for -
but i’m beginning to think it is not about a destination or attaining a particular point – but about the navigation through experiences and relationships
i’m reminded of a Hinds Feet on High Places and the journey of Much Afraid and how it was not so much a destination but all the lessons and the journey the Shepherd took her on – and how healing came unexpectantly -
and i’m so glad that while so many of my thoughts focus on me – figured out my gifts/my desires/ my feelings/ my purpose that it is not about me
i am loved
created
held by God
but HE is the CENTER of the Universe and HE is worthy of all glory
HE is all powerful and encompassing
I understand next to nothing of Him and His ways
He is so much above me – He towers above me
and so my highest purpose lays in gazing into His eyes – and the time I spend seeking Him
speaking to Him and simply being aware of His presence
aware that I am His
surrendered to whatever purpose He may lay before me…
At this time
I am hearing wait
and followed by wait
I hear trust
Wait. Trust.
He is.
“In every fairy tale the right way was the difficult path, the one that led over boulders, through brambles, across a field of fire.” (55)
It would be nice to see the next page of our stories. But we do not. And so we traipse along, taking risks, loving those who may or may not love us and our journey is like walking on a ship when at sea. One moment you feel yourself weightless as the boat hovers over a wave, the next moment you feel a heavy hand pressing you into the carpet as the ship crashes down into the waves. Life – a difficult path with moments of weightless joy.
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“Isn’t that the center of every story? The search for the truth. The need to know. Tear off the sealskin, the donkeyskin, the feather, the shackles. In moonlight, starlight, lanternlight, bluelight. Wasn’t that what everyone wanted: to see and hear. Take the veil from my eyes. The stones from within my ears. Turn me around twice. Tell me. No matter the consequences. No matter the price.” (198-199)
As much as I wanted Grant to take back the words and later the email describing his choice to cut off our relationship, I am thankful he was honest. The truth – no matter the price. Did he hear the sound of my heart shattering? It wouldn’t have mattered, but as the words left his lips, I heard the sound within my chest and knew, this is the end.
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“I sat in a chair. Maybe I cried. I loved him in a way that was over. A way that was the beginning of something. The sort of love that opened you up for more… That was what it was. The ruin of it. The depth of it. Have it once and you can have it again. That’s the riddle. That’s the truth…
“So, this is the way it ends,” he said.
Not at all, I thought. This is the way it begins.” (191)
Quotes from Alice Hoffman’s The Ice Queen
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While my mind knows this is a new beginning – my heart is dragging its feet.
One day at a time – and the beginning will emerge.
processing -
My value is not defined by the opinion of one person.
While Grant’s actions may shout, “you were not good enough, enthralling enough for me to do the hard work and to pull me beyond myself,†that is his decision.
I cannot pry open his eyes to see the gift of our relationship or my heart. He is blind and has rejected the gift.
So, I queitly let him go. Like wisdom watching the retreating backs of men as they disregard the feast she has prepared for them, I watch Grant’s back dissapear on the horizon of my life. It is over. He has chosen.
My heart feels shriveled and small in the wake of his loss, and looking within my chest, I think, “man, no wonder he left, I am not good enough.â€
But this is not true. In the next weeks, as I grieve and heal, my heart will re-awaken and come to life until it expands and presses itself against the sides of my chest, filling me once more with the joy and love I previously overflowed with. I have been blessed with friends and family that I can be myself with and who I can share life with.
While at this moment, the cup of my life seems empty with Grant’s absence, my life is actually full. The memories of him have become like sharp swords turned inward, but they will fade like the footprints I leave in the sand, buffed and muted by the waves of time. It will take time for my eyes to re-adjust to my new life and stop looking for his shape.
I love God. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my job. I love who I am. I’m surrounded by beautiful nature and daily reminders of the beauty of humanity.
I am alive. I have a deep and caring heart. I am a creator of art and beauty. I will continue to love. I will continue to embrace new friendships, relationships and experiences and I will heal from this heartbreak.
The rejection and hurt of this moment will not last.