Eclectic Waters

I love spending time with friends & family -

it’s easy to smile and be myself around them and I find joy bubbling up from within my chest and spreading to the rest of me until I feel relaxed, safe and loved.

Love it!

Had a great time celebrating Justin’s 25th birthday yesterday. It’s crazy how grown up all of us are!  I am so proud of each of my siblings and so glad to have them in my life!!

Then today I got to hang out with the SMCC small group leaders and coaches and that was awesome.  Whenever I go to SMCC, it is like coming home and I love chatting with the people I know but haven’t seen in months.  We learned about “Growth.”  What it looks like and how to make it happen.

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After a coffee date with Sara in which we kept an eye on Riley who amused himself by running back and forth, touching his shoulder to the Starbucks wall, and later by rolling on the group, I took a nap.  A much needed nap before which I read some of my writings on truth that God has laid on my heart in regards to my identity, and my relationship with him.  I needed reminding. The rain was falling and it was the perfect background music to my musings and then sleep.

Kathy came over early before the Cabo Meeting.  I have loved spending more time with her as we are both officially single now.

The Cabo meeting was encouraging, inspiring and such a reminder of God’s provision and miraculous power.  Each of us feel a deep sense of wonder and gratitude that God would allow us to be a part of what He is doing in Cabo - to use our small gifts and talent - and we are humbled by the way He paves the way for us and brings all the details together.  We could never accomplish the things He has already accomplished on our own.  This is about His glory and power.  His church.  His love.   I’m so blessed to be a part of it.

Then Kathy & Toby & I hung out and watched “The Pianist”, a very sad but touching movie.  However, with the amount of cynical and loud mouthed comments made by all parties during the movie, we managed to end the night in good spirits and laughing.

It is the end of the day.  The rain has stopped.  The only sound in my room is my fingers against the keys of my keyboard.  My eyelids are heavy and I am going to bed now.

Goodnight -

Whenever she wrote, she turned the music low in the background.

If she turned it off, the silence would stifle her. If she left it loud, the words would wander from her mind into her hand and onto paper.

A full day, and at the end I am thinking many thoughts.  I’ll share a few.

LOVE___________
This weekend I held a dear friend as she sobbed.  Her boyfriend and her broke up.  Her shoulders shook against my arms and she sobbed that gut wrenching hiccup sound that is one of the truest expressions of profound grief.  I held her.  What could I say?  She risked her heart and now has to pick the pieces up and move forward.  She is brave and I know she will be okay, in time.

This weekend I sat beside my friend who has just fallen in love.  His eyes sparkled and his mouth could not get the words about the one he cares for out fast enough.  He laughed and smiled recounting their time together.   He paused, momentarily, amidst the joy, and said that he was afraid.  He had put himself out there, shared who he is.  He is afraid that she will reject him, but he moved towards her and put himself out there.  He is brave.

I’m disillusioned with love in my own life.  I want to remain open and positive, but my heart feels like a pummeled person, bruised and battered.  I’m tired of being hurt.  Tired of investing in relationships to have them dissipate into nothing.  I am brave and I will move forward, opening my heart despite the past,  but it is hard.

HIDING_________

She is a part of my family and yet I do not know her as I long to.

I used to think it was her.  Hiding.

But today I realized I have played a part.  Hiding.

She opened up and asked me a question and as I gave my response, I mentioned I would love to tell her more of my story and the healing I have undergone.  The part of my story I usually edit and leave underground because it is closest to my heart and to the hurts of my past.  She said she would like to know more of me and how I think and see the world.

Although this is a gift, it saddened me.

I am deeply discouraged by my propensity to hide and to disconnect from what’s really going on inside, from what I really think.

The “right” answers cloud my mind and I want to push them aside and just BE.  Messy.  Unedited.  Clumsy.  Unfinished.  Questioning.  Weak.

Things I despise and yet when I try to edit these qualities out of my life, I end up in a stuffy room with no room to breathe - to BE.

I shake my head and ask God to forgive me for hiding - I ask my family and friends to forgive me -

and then I pray for courage and strength to emerge -

myself.

Unedited.

Driving to Balboa Park to pick up a gift for a friend, I passed by tents and heard the faint sound of drums.  Turning my music off, I rolled down the window to listen.  A strong rhythmic beat came from the tents and people were walking across the street towards the tents.  I wonder what’s going on.

I drove up a ways and parked and decided I had time to spare before picking up my friends gift, despite a long list of things to do before her party that evening.  I walked through the parking lot, over the grass of the park and down the sidewalk towards the tent formulating a plan in my head.  I wonder if I’ll have to pay admission.  If I do, I can stay at least an hour.  It’ll be worth it.  I haven’t been on a spontaneous adventure in awhile… I trekked on.

Crossing the street, I came to the fence and walked towards the entrance.  Vietnamese New Year Festival.  $5.

Alright!  Let’s check it out. 

I got in line, the other women in line had beautiful silk “Áo Dài”.  Feeling slightly out of place, I lifted my chin up to embrace the feeling.  What kind of adventurer worries about fitting in!

On entering, I wandered by the traditional festival booths that had nothing to do with Vietnam.  The games and trinket stalls set up at every festival in Balboa.  Passing them I came to booths with bright clothes, lanterns, and a small pond with bright flowers around it.  Walking behind the booths to the left, I came to the stage, the drums and the dragons.  There were at least five of them.  Three on stage and the others scattered throughout the crowd.  The head was held by a man while his frilly pants looked like the dragons furry legs.  Then a second man stood behind him and danced bent over - the behind of the dragon.  It was fun to watch, the drum beat coursing through my veins. I love this.

After the opening ceremony I wandered.  Listened to a woman and then later a man sing wistful songs.  I think they were about love.  I love listening to songs in other languages.  Not understanding the words make me more aware of the sound, expression and emotion.  I also love the sound of the Vietnamese language.  This video was the closest I could find to what I heard on Saturday.

Vang Trang Khoc - Nhat Tinh Anh & Khanh Ngoc

Standing on the grass, surrounding by bubbles a small boy and girl were blowing a few feet in front of me, I looked past the stage to the view of downtown before me.

I love this city and the experiences it offers.

i brainstormed a blog about when adversity hits and how it is often an opportunity.

on coming home, i received an email from one of my favorite passive-aggressive people and it took all the creative steam right out of me -

guess i have to take my punch line and actually apply it.

bummer.