Eclectic Waters

I did it.

Ran the 8 miles I had hoped to by the end of this month.  Walked each day at work - which amazingly cleared my mind and decreased my stress! I also added a Wed. yoga/bellydance work out to my schedule and it’s been fun seeing my improvement - I won’t go into the details of how un-peaceful, un-coordinated and un-meditative it was for me at first.

I’ve been mulling over how to describe this month.  This month has meant so much more to me than the simple goals and achievements listed above.

Coming out of “winter,” which, can I even use the word winter while residing in California, and the season of post-Grant, where I watched more movies, went to bed earlier and recovered, March Madness symbolized coming alive and stepping it up.  March Madness was sparked by the comment of a friend, “don’t you always talk about this.”  She was not being mean, simply stating what was.  After she said it, I could see she regretted saying it, but I was glad she had.  It got me moving.  I had been talking about stepping it up and working out more, but had done NOTHING.

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March Madness = intentionality, stepping it up.

But the changing of things on the surface was only the beginning.  The walks at work turned into time spent with God, reading a devotional “Praying the Names of God” by Ann Spangler and praying for the people in my life.  It was amazing to see my stress level decrease and to experience an increased intimacy with God.  I love Him more than I did on March 1st.

I also found myself falling more in love with friends, co-workers and family as I thought about them and prayed for them.  I am incredibly blessed to be the creation of so great and loving a God - and to be surrounded by the affection of so many caring and wonderful people.  Especially when I think of my parents, I am awed and often almost cry with joy at having been placed under their care, into their family.  I admire them both so much, feel so loved by them and am thankful to have a significant place in their lives and they in mine.

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March Madness = riding a wave into new vision, hope and intimacy

This month I have experienced truths about God, myself and my purpose at a new deep level.  I still have down days, those times when I fight against thoughts of discouragement, even despair, and feelings of inadequacy and loneliness, BUT so much has been strengthened in me and built in me this month.  I am glad that what started as a flippant idea has turned into a life changing month.

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Sometimes we just need to SHUT UP and MOVE.

Vision, depth and direction are born in motion.

Kate is one of my best friends. When she mentioned wanting to go to a pre-season Padres game, I told her I would go.

We picked a weekend, she bought the tickets and looked up directions, and I asked my friend Mary, who lives and teaches in Phoenix, if we could hang out and crash at her place.

Saturday morning I picked Kate up at 7:45 a.m. and we were off.

Driving.  Laughing.  Telling stories.  Listening to great music. Sharing our hearts:  Questions.  Lessons learned.  Goals.   Dreams.

We talked about:

beauty/nature/words/stories/emotions/theology/boys/god/family/hurt/work/friends/roomates -

life.

The drive was stunning. Because of the rain, otherwise brown and dusty hills were covered in green.  We drove past rolling hills, fields, sand dunes, mountains sprinkled with boulders and rocks, water, and the rural communities between San Diego and Phoenix.

We arrived late at the game between the Padres and the Reds. No one had scored yet.  Then both teams scored two home runs and at the bottom of the 9th inning - the Padres made a home run and WON! Yeah!

We were behind home base and it was amazing to be sitting so close to the players.  Kate had previously explained the basics of the game to me and I loved being able to understand what was going on and to watch the game.  Sports, specifically baseball and football, is a whole new area of American culture I am becoming acquainted with.

The sun was shining and it was the perfect day.  The people seated around us were loud and gregarious, and it was fun to joke with them and share the camaraderie created by the game and our mutual support of the Padres.

After the game, we wandered through a shopping area close by and sat in an Irish pub for a couple of hours enjoying the ambiance and continuing to talk.  There is something magical about having long amounts of uninterrupted time with a friend because our conversation moves passed the weekly updates of our lives into things not usually expressed: memories, random thoughts…

After wandering some more, we stopped at Krispy Kreme and each choosing a donut, we found a set of concrete steps by a fountain, warm from the sun.  We sat enjoying the last rays of the sun until it disappeared. Then it was time for our movie:  Alice in Wonderland.  I liked it, but that is another blog.

We spent the night at Mary’s and had breakfast with her, her friend Joanna and Beth, Joanna’s mum, who were also visiting her from San Diego.  It was fun & relaxing to hang out, cook and eat together.  Mary made an amazing guacamole which we had with scrambled eggs and toast.

Kate and I hit the road at 9:30 and took our time coming back.  We stopped:

- for McDonald’s coffee (their new lattes/iced coffees are good if you haven’t tried them yet)

-to take pictures with a metal snake and booger green dinosaur statue. We drove past them and had to make a U turn.  It was simply too great a photo-opportunity to miss.
- at a store with huge painted metal flowers and other artistic items
-at a Painted Rock site.  It was amazing to see the figures etched in stone and to think of the people etching them.  Kate kept saying, “Why?  What were they doing?”  We wondered together if they were mere doodles or if perhaps they were telling a story…

-at Cracker Barrel.  I had never eaten there before and the food was good.  The fact that we got there at 2 p.m. and were REALLY hungry probably added to the wow factor of the food.

-at a stone tower look out point.  Now only 1 hour away from home.  We climbed up the tower and walked through the circular room at its base.  It was filled dusty books and pictures.  I felt claustrophobic inside.  It smelled musky and looked unkempt.  We didn’t linger in the tower, but did linger outside, climbing the large rocks scattered over the top of the mountain.  Climbing rocks is one of my favorite things.  I love searching out a path across the rocks and then jumping from rock to rock.  I feel alive and strong.

Then we were home.  It felt like we were gone for a week.  Getting away, and having our life here drift out of reach for awhile was wonderful.  It was a great chance to reflect, relax and refuel.

Yay!

He lies there, his body aching for youth, his soul
yearning for heaven, his mouth longing for words. 
He feels the remembering begin and fail and nothing works the way it should -
his wife is not in the kitchen kneeding piles of brown dough
his children have gone into other fields to explore
his mom is not answering the phone
his sisters are done with sweeping up
his brother is not hanging around the wind mill
and his dad’s eyes are closed and he is not interested in reading the paper;
he does not offer those clean white peppermints and smooth brown maple buds
that feel like the start of something hopeful.
There is no point to be made, no politics to be argued, only this dreaded rest where
the side of the bed joins too easily with the hard floor beside it.
He lies there, longs for heaven, aches for a body that holds his soul steady,
for hands that work to warm the one he loves, for a mouth that can say
what it will wake up to in the morning.
He spent so many days helping others find what they needed,
so many days telling stories to his children,
so many hours adding up columns and working to figure out what he needed to order.
He longs to hear about heaven, about wholeness, about the fields
about to be planted.  “Let’s go,” he says.  “Can we go together?” 
“What do you want? he asks reaching for our hands.  “What are you here for?”
We sing him songs about Jesus and heaven and remember with him.  “You must be John.  Where do you live?”  “Let’s go”
You are Terence Toews, beloved husband, father, son, grandfather, neighbour, friend.  How blessed it is to have these people surrounding us. 
And for now we just want to be here with you.  We love you and look for parts in this heap of refuge that might make wings.

“By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.”  - Robert Frost

March Madness is well under way and I’m going to try to keep this post short so I can continue the madness tomorrow and not be too wiped to get out of bed for my a.m. walk around the glorious lake.

So… running 5 mi. on Saturday morning, God spoke to me.

(Disclaimer:  not in an audible voice but in thoughts laid upon my heart that I believe came from Him/ were directed by His truth)

Lately I’ve been describing my relationship status as a barren land.  A desert to be exact.  It’s like a movie shoot of the sahara and one lone (usually a man) person staggering through the sand - and that’s all there is - this small person stumbling through the sand and then the sand fills the rest of the shot.  Sand Sand Sand. Hot. Sun beating down.  Sand.

That’s what my relationship status and possibility has felt like as most of my crowd and life involves the same circles and women. A Girls Monday night Bible Study. I work in a department of all women… etc.

My feelings regarding this state change.  At times, I don’t even think about this desert place.  However, at other times, it consumes my heart with longing and disappointment.

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It’s been raining a lot in San Diego and everything is GREEN.  A rarity for us.  There are also flowers blooming by the side of the freeway and as I ran around Lake Murray, I was wowed by the lushness of plants and trees.  It was beautiful and certain parts of the path reminded me of the time my family and I trekked through the forest in the hills of Jamaica.  Lush, green, wild.

As I ran, I felt the words rising,

“So… you see your relationship status as a barren wasteland.  What about the rest of your life?”

I thought about my family - each member of which I love dearly and feel deeply connected to.

What about your friends?  I thought about my friendships - again the depth, connection, love, safety, wisdom, laughter, fun and trust within them.

I thought about my job - both the challenges, joys and opportunities I am given and face each day.

I smiled when I think of the weekend mornings I get to spend alone at the beach, in nature.  I thought of running and the health and joy I feel coursing through my veins when I run, dance in my kitchen, salsa dance or walk…

As I surveyed the landscape of my life and of who I am - I smiled because I saw a lush vibrant rain-forest. Growth. Beauty. Joy.

It’s true - there was still the small barren land of my relationship status and the fact that I would love to be with and develop a deep connected relationship with a man who would eventually become my best friend, my lover, husband and eventually the father of my children… but…

this barren land is just a smidgen of my life - a small pocket.

The question left at the bottom of these thoughts,
“Are you going to waste time wishing and allowing this one barren place to rob you of your joy and thankfulness for everything else?”

Why would I pin my happiness on this one area?  Why would I allow this one barren place to define my reality?

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Anyways, don’t know if that makes sense.  But it was freeing to realize all the beauty and life surrounding me.  It brought me to a place of deeper contentment, and revealed to me, once again, all the wonderful blessings God has given me.

I am surrounded by beauty.

I am loved.

I love.

This is all I want and ask - and so, in so many ways, on so many levels, I have already achieved my highest goal and desire.

He loves me.

I love Him.

That’s the punchline of my story - regardless of whether the barren land is a small part of the majority of it.  And right now I’m enjoying that it is small.