Eclectic Waters

Archive for the ‘Bookshelf’ Category

I find it hard to read novels slowly.  My mind tells me to read with care, paying attention to the writer’s craft to hone my own writing skills, but within two or three sentences, I find myself rushing along – delving into the characters world – and being swept up in the story.  What’s going to happen next…  What are they thinking… Who are they… How will they react…

My eyes began the journey of this story on Wednesday of last week, and today I crossed the finish line.  This is the second of Lisa See’s books that I’ve read.  The first being Shanghai Girls, which left me wanting to read more of her writing.

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan revolves around the friendship between Snow Flower and Lily which begins with a contract of friendship when they are ten.  Their friendship spans the time of their foot-binding, marriages and child bearing years.  It was deep, beautiful and moving and although I finished the book earlier today, images and words from its pages continue to float through my mind – stirring my emotions and causing me to reflect on the life of the characters and my own life.

See it for the fathomless mystery that it is.  In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the exitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments and life itself is a grace.

Frederich Buechner

As long as my sense of being valuable and significant is tied to my success, it will be a fragile thing.  But when I come to know in the marrow of my bones that I am just as valued and loved by God when I have fallen flat on my face, then I am gripped by a love stronger than success or failure.

John Ortberg in If You Want to Walk On Water, You’ve Got to Get Out of the Boat. pg 143 in CH That Sinking Feeling.

Read a great chapter, Chapter 6, in If You Want to Walk on Water, You’ve Got to Get Out of the Boat by John Ortberg on fear.

I think God says “fear not” so often is because fear is the number one reason human beings are tempted to avoid doing what God asks them to do. (pg. 118)

This resonated with me and as I thought over my week:  being exhorted to step it up at work in an area I find challenging;  going on a blind date with a stranger and then a 2nd date (scaaary); and finally when I think about writing. This second quote resonated with my own fear, and it is talking about a man wrestling with his gifts.

I had lunch with a friend who is clearly being called by God to do some tremendous things in life.  He is an enormously gifted person…and a terrific writer.  Yet he is in a job that is killing him.  It doesn’t call on his greatest abilities, and he has not passion for it.  He is just punching the time clock.   Why does he stay in it?   Fear.  More specifically, the fear of failure… In an odd way, he is also afraid of success.  If he succeeds, people may expect more from him. (pg 127)

While I truely enjoy my job,  I find my deepest joy when I am creating – writing.  But I often forget because of the fear wrapped up in it…  The commitment and time necessary to achieve in this area.

Online dating can be a dinosaur. Many, my self included, go between actively engaging in it and then becoming disenfranchised and saying things like, “I’m over it.” or “I know it works for some people, but I’d much rather meet someone face to face.”

Three weeks ago I was in the disenfranchised camp.  “I’m over it.”  Without realizing it, over the last months and possibly back to the end of my last serious relationship, I had barricaded the door to my love life.  The room where I dreamed and hoped and to which the door remained open and expectant had been closed.  The door was shut, locked and barricaded.  A sign was placed on it.  “Stay out!”  and “God – that means you too.”  I stopped talking about it besides to mention that I was over dating.  I stopped praying about it.  Silence.

Silence can feel like safety.  The wind dies down and all is quiet.  There is no movement of thought or feeling. But this is not the sound of safety, this is the sound of death.  Even the sound of vultures has vanished, only bones remain.

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I was here when I read these words in A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller on cynicism, he was quoting a friend, Cathie:

It is easier for me to feel skepticism and nothing that to feel deep passion

Later Miller reflects

To by cynical is to be distant.  It leads to a creeping bitterness that can deaden and destroy the spirit… At some point, each of us comes face-to-face with the valley of the shadow of death.  We can’t ignore it.  We can’t remain neutral with evil.  We either give up and distance ourselves, or we learn to walk with the Shepherd. There is no middle ground.

As I read, I was deeply convicted.  My cynicism regarding online dating was simply a symptom of my discouragement, fear and past wounds.  As I realized this, I no longer wanted to give up but to learn to walk with the Shepherd.  I prayed a simple prayer, taking down the “Stay Out” signs and acknowledging God’s presence and work in the room of silence.  As I opened my eyes, I decided I wanted to make this change tangible.  I signed back up for eharmony.com.

While I do not know if I will find a life-long partner on eharmony, I re-entered the scene with a sense of peace and with the knowledge that God is with me on this journey.

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On eharmony I’m slightly old-fashioned and prefer the guy to contact me first; however, there was one profile out of the 180 I sorted through that had me laughing and when I read that he was a fellow INFP (Myers Briggs Personality Profile), it made sense.  It wasn’t even about thinking, “this could be the one”, it was simply a “HA! I get you and you seem really cool.”

When he replied, the kindness of this stranger encouraged me.  While he made it clear he did not want to pursue a relationship because we live 3,000 miles apart, he also said some of the kindest and encouraging things a stranger has ever communicated to me.

You’re like me in so many ways, the way your passionate about things, even obsessed perhaps, loving life and others as much as you know how and asking questions, learning, exploring, appreciating beauty in the simple things… I do have to say its encouraging you exist though. Albeit existing in another world, one in which time and space are not a barrier and we pick out 80′s costumes for each other at thrift stores and dare each other to wear them out to dinner. In that world, we get to spend time together, share music (or even play music) for each other, take walks, go to the zoo… But seriously, thank you for existing…I felt this affirming dose of happiness… a passing moment of YES! it’s enough to know you exist.  That may not be much but I think it’s something and good and gives me hope and happiness.

After reading his response I smiled and thanked God for this unexecpected kindness and encouragement along the way.  Slowly the room which was silent is being filled with sounds.  D r e am    H o pe    Sm i l e