Eclectic Waters

Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Online dating can be a dinosaur. Many, my self included, go between actively engaging in it and then becoming disenfranchised and saying things like, “I’m over it.” or “I know it works for some people, but I’d much rather meet someone face to face.”

Three weeks ago I was in the disenfranchised camp.  “I’m over it.”  Without realizing it, over the last months and possibly back to the end of my last serious relationship, I had barricaded the door to my love life.  The room where I dreamed and hoped and to which the door remained open and expectant had been closed.  The door was shut, locked and barricaded.  A sign was placed on it.  “Stay out!”  and “God – that means you too.”  I stopped talking about it besides to mention that I was over dating.  I stopped praying about it.  Silence.

Silence can feel like safety.  The wind dies down and all is quiet.  There is no movement of thought or feeling. But this is not the sound of safety, this is the sound of death.  Even the sound of vultures has vanished, only bones remain.

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I was here when I read these words in A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller on cynicism, he was quoting a friend, Cathie:

It is easier for me to feel skepticism and nothing that to feel deep passion

Later Miller reflects

To by cynical is to be distant.  It leads to a creeping bitterness that can deaden and destroy the spirit… At some point, each of us comes face-to-face with the valley of the shadow of death.  We can’t ignore it.  We can’t remain neutral with evil.  We either give up and distance ourselves, or we learn to walk with the Shepherd. There is no middle ground.

As I read, I was deeply convicted.  My cynicism regarding online dating was simply a symptom of my discouragement, fear and past wounds.  As I realized this, I no longer wanted to give up but to learn to walk with the Shepherd.  I prayed a simple prayer, taking down the “Stay Out” signs and acknowledging God’s presence and work in the room of silence.  As I opened my eyes, I decided I wanted to make this change tangible.  I signed back up for eharmony.com.

While I do not know if I will find a life-long partner on eharmony, I re-entered the scene with a sense of peace and with the knowledge that God is with me on this journey.

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On eharmony I’m slightly old-fashioned and prefer the guy to contact me first; however, there was one profile out of the 180 I sorted through that had me laughing and when I read that he was a fellow INFP (Myers Briggs Personality Profile), it made sense.  It wasn’t even about thinking, “this could be the one”, it was simply a “HA! I get you and you seem really cool.”

When he replied, the kindness of this stranger encouraged me.  While he made it clear he did not want to pursue a relationship because we live 3,000 miles apart, he also said some of the kindest and encouraging things a stranger has ever communicated to me.

You’re like me in so many ways, the way your passionate about things, even obsessed perhaps, loving life and others as much as you know how and asking questions, learning, exploring, appreciating beauty in the simple things… I do have to say its encouraging you exist though. Albeit existing in another world, one in which time and space are not a barrier and we pick out 80′s costumes for each other at thrift stores and dare each other to wear them out to dinner. In that world, we get to spend time together, share music (or even play music) for each other, take walks, go to the zoo… But seriously, thank you for existing…I felt this affirming dose of happiness… a passing moment of YES! it’s enough to know you exist.  That may not be much but I think it’s something and good and gives me hope and happiness.

After reading his response I smiled and thanked God for this unexecpected kindness and encouragement along the way.  Slowly the room which was silent is being filled with sounds.  D r e am    H o pe    Sm i l e

Our identity rests not on the opinion of others, rather, it hinges on two things: who we think we are and who we choose to be.

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While as a Christian I know my true identity is found in God’s truth, the lived out reality of my life will rest on my thoughts of myself. What I believe about myself and the things I choose, i.e. how I spend my time, how I will treat people etc,… this will impact and shape my identity.

It’s been interesting working on my book and re-visiting my experience on Logos II as a 12 and 13 year old. Adolescence is tough and it is time when we are figuring things out, developing as an individual. It’s been fascinating stepping back and writing my story – viewing it from a writer’s perspective. I feel lucky to have such a rich and different life to glean from as I shape the clay of this book. I’ve been praying that God would inspire me and give me discipline and courage to write – it is lonely and can be EXTREMELY boring – and I am incredibly thankful that He has answered this prayer. And now that I have finally invited him into the process of writing, I’m excited to continue seeing the story take shape…

seeing myself emerge. The way I saw myself – the identity I formed. A girl from the sea. This is the story I didn’t have the words for and I am now mining for them… laying a line through the woods of my experience…

Thankful for the words I’m finding. Wish me luck!