Eclectic Waters

Each morning I sit down and write.  The goal is 3 pages, but usually it’s 2.

Picking up my pink pen, I try not to edit my thoughts but allow them to drift seamlessly from my mind to the paper.  When a thought strikes me, I try to follow it deeper.  Describing the emotions and thoughts connected to it.

Last night I had a dream telling me to let go.  Trust God with those that I love.  It sounds easy but I wrestled against it – “but I know better”, before shaking my head at myself and realizing, “No Deanne. You don’t.” Simple.  But in the shadows of my heart – difficult to admit.

He loves them more than I do.

There is freedom in this thought.  That I can trust those I love to His care.  While I love them, He loves them better and He directs the details and steps of their life.

I thought I had left the struggle in the night and had completely surrendered, but this morning my pink pen uncovered remnants of doubt and tension that don’t want to let go.

So I go into the day, whispering to myself, let go, let go. While I opened my hands last night, today I find them clenched.  Surrender is a continual choice.

writing my am pages this morning, i had a flashback to when i was 13:

newly moved to the ship

bent over my journal

fervently writing my thoughts and feelings down

my excitement at this new life and my sadness of friends left behind.

In my am pages I was pouring my heart out to God -

giving Him my fears and thoughts

asking for His guidance and blessing.

In that moment when I flashed back and remembered myself at 13, I was overwhelmed with a deep joy that brought tears to my eyes.

God has heard every word I have whispered, spoken, written or cried to Him.

I am so thankful to serve such a loving and wonderful God.  He has brought me from far off lands, carried me across the sea, and healed my heart that I thought would always be broken.

Thank you my faithful and loving LORD & GOD.  I will wait for you because true life and hope abide in YOU alone.

In waiting we begin to get in touch with the rythms of life–stillness and action, listening and decision.  They are the rythms of God.  It is in the everyday and the commonplace that we learn patience, acceptance and contentment.

Richard J. Foster

“Not the maker of plans and promises, but rather the one who offers faithful service in small matters. This is the person who is most likely to achieve what is good and lasting.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Over the last days, a couple of my friends have talked about being in a season of waiting – whether it is for a job to come through, to find clarity on their life’s next steps or being faithful in what they are currently doing.

While my life has been full and busy – I resonate with what they are saying as I continue in the place I currently find myself while preparing and waiting for the future to unfold.

Waiting is not passive, it is active.  If you are interested in reading a great book on the subject, one of my favorites is While the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd.  It is the best book on the subject I have yet to find.  I read it over 5 years ago when I was in a different season of waiting and it was like finding an oasis in the midst of a desert.

I find it hard to read novels slowly.  My mind tells me to read with care, paying attention to the writer’s craft to hone my own writing skills, but within two or three sentences, I find myself rushing along – delving into the characters world – and being swept up in the story.  What’s going to happen next…  What are they thinking… Who are they… How will they react…

My eyes began the journey of this story on Wednesday of last week, and today I crossed the finish line.  This is the second of Lisa See’s books that I’ve read.  The first being Shanghai Girls, which left me wanting to read more of her writing.

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan revolves around the friendship between Snow Flower and Lily which begins with a contract of friendship when they are ten.  Their friendship spans the time of their foot-binding, marriages and child bearing years.  It was deep, beautiful and moving and although I finished the book earlier today, images and words from its pages continue to float through my mind – stirring my emotions and causing me to reflect on the life of the characters and my own life.